Jamal Luckett's Amazon Page

Jamal Luckett's Amazon Page
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Thursday, September 20, 2012

10 reasons Zombie Apocalypse Preppers love The IPhone 5.

To Whom it may concern:

This list was made in fun and in jest. I in no way shape form or fashion advocate violence towards anyone (except zombies). This article is to be taken in jest as it is all tongue and cheek fun. If this article upsets anyone then either learn to take a joke or stop behaving illogically! To anyone or corporate entity who is interested in suing me. Yeah give that a shot and see how it turns out I work for a living and I'm black too!

1. The IPhone 5 allows us to judge panicked and frenzied drivers. We can watch the mistakes they make while plotting traffic choke points. Wherever you spot a traffic tie up or accident on IPhone 5 launch date is an area to avoid during the initial stages of The Zombie Apocalypse. It also gives us a glimpse into the dangers of a preoccupied driver. Apparently driving while thinking about an IPhone 5 is fairly similar to driving like a zombie. Eyes will glaze over and become cloudy as the IPhone 5 Seeker looks down at their now suddenly old and decrepit 6 week old IPhone 4. All the while plotting a course to the next possible place they believe to have them in stock. You will get mowed down if you step in front of a person driving to get an IPhone 5. There is of course very little difference when dealing with a driver who is fleeing the living dead. This is one event the Zombie Apocalypse Preppers should watch and document from a distance. For on launch day there won't be a safe stretch of road or even side walk for that matter anywhere.

2. The IPhone 5 gives us the ability to discern fact from media and news outlet speculation and misdirection. When you hear words like "rumoured" it's easily seen as a "falsity." Which when translated means "We don't know." As news outlets become desparate for facts they begin to "massage the facts." This give us in the Zombie Apocalypse community the opportunity to hone our "that's government cover-up bullshit meter!" Many people will believe what the hear and or see on the release date of the IPhone 5 and the same can be said for the Zombie Apocalypse. Clearly at some point during that day sales outlets will sell through their on hand stock and yet IPhone 5 seekers will turn to the media. "Where shall I go and who still has IPhone 5's?" Are questions that any sane person will know that by noon won't matter because the answer will be false. The same will easily be true during the initial stages of the Zombie Apocalypse. People will tune into the media for directions since they haven't prepared at all. Then they are going to blindly follow whatever they are told. Even when it's clear the media is guesstimating. People will send themselves and their loved one too their doom heading for closed down, overrun and/or non existent shelters, checkpoints and safe zones. They call television "the idiot box" and guess what they call those who believe everything the see on t.v.? Answer "idiots!"

3. The IPhone 5 will allow us to gauge our abilities to deal with unruly crowds of survivors. You're in a protected zone secured by military or government forces. They make make food or medical deliveries and the only thing that separates you and your family from food or medicine. Is your ability to manhandle an unruly mob of people. They press forward packed in tightly jostling back and forth. There's yelling screaming, fighting and its not even 7am yet. The only way you can experience this phenomenon is to work for someone who sales IPhone 5's live in a third world country where food is airdropped in. This is no place for a child. During the Zombie Apocalypse basic human decency and morals disappear. Now magnify that by ten for launching the IPhone 5. You will have to deal with these people some of whom will be bulies while others will be manipulative. Their sole goal is to get what they want while depriving you and yours of what you need.

4. Another benefit of the iPhone 5 launch that will help us Zombie Apocalypse Preppers with is outdoor survival. It's expected that when the dead rise we will be forced to leave the comforts of home and live off the land. Moving from place to place setting up shop before fleeing ahead of the horde. To put this theory and skills to the test. Sleep on the sidewalk in front of a suburban strip like homeless person. Better yet prove you have some sanity and watch it from a distance. Catalog what the pros and cons of the situation are. Pro you might get an IPhone 5. Con you might get robbed. Pro you can rest after a day of being pursued by zombies. Con you might get eaten alive before you even know you are in danger. No sane human being should ever voluntarily leave the safety of shelter. If you are forced to leave your safe haven you shouldn't sleep out in the open. There is no product worth the inconvience or the headache. Hell you could get on a month later and say that "I've had it since launch day!" The only person who'd know is you. So as a Zombie Apocallypse Prepper watch from a distance as those who choose to sleep in line are harassed, line jumped and pickpocketed. Now ask yourself "what would have happened if those were zombies?" They would all be eaten alive but they'd at least be well rested

5. In an odd twist of fate IPhone 5 seekers will allow us Preppers a glimpse into the minds that have lost touch with reality. Now we are all well aware of the fact that the weight of the dead rising will cause some people to loose their tedious grip on their sanity. Other than spending a day undercover in a psych ward how can we test the limits of an unhinged mind? Spend IPhone 5 launch day with someone wants to just walk into a store and pick one up at say 5pm. Listen to the disjointed logic of how they will outwit all of humanity with a plan so convoluted even a politician couldn't keep up with it. Even though all news outlets, retail stores and other shopper will have told them the IPhone 5 is all sold out. The will drive about in a self induced frenzy. This poor mentally unfit soul will go running into stores while calling other stores to check availability. They will walk right up to store employees wearing shirts that say "IPhone 5 all sold out." In 14 different languages and holding signs that read "IPhone 5 totally sold out!" Then ask "Do you have any IPhone 5's in stock?!" This feeble minded individual is a prime example of what to look for in you group or survivor compound. Preferably before they throw open the gates and run head long into a crowd of Zombies yelling "Do you have any IPhone 5's in stock!"

6. One shocking aspect the launch of the IPhone 5 will have in common with survivors of The Zombie Apocalypse is the abandonment of children. Upon it's release date millions of children will suddenly find themselves devoid of parental support. Nothing brings out the true selfishness of self preservation like the undead or a new IPhone. Parents will fins themselves so overwhelmed at the thought of not having the IPhone 5. That they will react with no consideration for their children. Many a child will awake to no parents, no breakfast, no love or care. An equal number will return home to an eerily empty adultless house. Without so much as a note saying "gone to sleep on the sidewalk to get the new IPhone 5. Love you dinner is in the fridge." IPhone 5 launch date much like the Zombie Apocalypse will test your moral character. If you see a child wandering alone confused cold and hungry. You must help them they're our future we will survive the Zombie Apocalypse and IPhone 5 but children will ensure humanities survival.

7. The IPhone 5 launch will allow us Zombie Apocalypse Preppers to test the fortification limits and strength of our fallback and primary stronghold. Here's a perfect opportunity to run a fully functional field test. Let it be known that you have several IPhone 5's for sale on launch day. Then prepare yourself for the onslaught. Lock down every entrance or exit then time the IPhone 5 zombies. Add plus thirty minutes to the time it takes them to breach your defenses. Because they are hopped up on caffine and traditional zombies move slower. You should have a general idea of the weak points in your fortifications. Continually egg them on by running about yelling "we only have two left!" This will simulate zombies who hear living humans and are driven to devour their flesh. Make no mistake though these people can be just as dangerous as actual zombies. While both groups scorch the earth before them leaving destruction and desolation in their wake. The sound of the living dead will draw other zombies from several miles around your fort. IPhone 5 seekers with one call of "They still have'em they still have'em!" Will draw their kind from hundreds of miles away. Placing you in serious jeopardy but remember it's for a good cause. If your home, office or workplace can withstand this mass of the brain dead. You will probably breeze through an attack of the living dead.

8. The IPhone 5 release date will teach us Zombie Apocalypse Preppers how long we can truly go without food. As a test of will power throughout a zombie siege. The most basic human need will drive people to and past their limits. The survivors will want to eat and in most cases be separated from food by mere feet but won't be able to reach it. They will be surrounded on all sides by zombies or IPhone 5 seekers in a test run. As we have already established these mindless hordes don't need to eat like "normal" humans. Zombies only want human flesh while IPhone 5 seekers just need a cup of over priced swill from Starbucks. So you will be tested Zombie Apocalypse Prepper. As neither group care about you and you needs. They will only see their single minded desires. How long can you stay focused and on task as hunger gnaws away at your insides? Remember one day this could be what lures you form your hiding place and into the mouths of a mass of the living dead.

9. In yet another surprising way the IPhone 5 launch can assist Zombie Apocalypse Preppers. By allowing the prepper valuable time to work on their focus their mental fortitude. This is different from the single minded drive of the undead or mindless IPhone 5 seeker. Here a prepper is allowed to test the mental strength required to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. When you're surrounded by those pesky IPhone 5 seekers yelling "I want an IPhone 5" Over and over again. You will see as a prepper it's no different than being besieged on all sides by zombies. The incessant moaning of undead flesh eaters. Could drive the unprepared and untrained survivors insane in little or no time. If you can stand your ground on IPhone 5 launch day and learn to block out the ungodly wails from the horde at your gate today. The come the Zombie Apocalypse you'll be prepared to withstand one of the most debilitating and underrated weapons that zombies posses and that is sheer never ending noise and annoyance. The only key difference here between zombies and IPhone 5 seekers is simple. Zombies leave after there is nothing left and IPhone 5 seekers do not. They always believe you are holding out on them.

10. Zombie Apocalypse Preppers will be able to hone their hand to hand combat skills during the IPhone 5 launch. Now we all know that hand to hand combat is not the ideal method for fighting the undead horde but it will be a required skill. Weather you're dispatching a zombie with a silent weapon, fighting a fellow survivor over the last can of Spam or fending off an IPhone 5 seeker. The physical process is still the same. In the case you are accosted by a lone or manageable group of IPhone 5 seekers. Substitute an umbrella for your Kantana, a heavy flashlight for your Asp baton, a walking stick or ski pole for your baseball bat and you're ready to fight. No matter what type of mindless horde you encounter this constant life like training will prove invaluable. Imagine your horror when a group of zombies encircle you after the Zombie Apocalypse. I surmise it will be no different than a group of IPhone 5 seekers surrounding you after you buy some "Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder" at Walgreens. Those mindless savages driven insane with unsatisfied IPhone 5 hunger. Will become desperate animals as the night grows long and they have found themselves without IPhone 5's. At this point anyone carrying a bag out of a store will become a potential victim. So what do you do? Throw you foot powder in one direction and then flee in the opposite direction or fight. Remember today it's a simple choice tomorrow it could be life or death. It's your move and it your training!

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